If you are not satisfied, what could you do to change the relationship? What would you predict the results would be?


Hearing Versus Listening

Describe how you learned how to listen! Please use between 300-500 words to make a complete description of this learned behavior. Did you learn to listen properly? Do you still listen the same way that you were taught as a child? Why or why not?

“Doctor Aunt” by Eden, Janine and Jim. CC-BY.

A mother takes her four-year-old to the pediatrician reporting she’s worried about the girl’s hearing. The doctor runs through a battery of tests, checks in the girl’s ears to be sure everything looks good, and makes notes in the child’s folder. Then, she takes the mother by the arm. They move together to the far end of the room, behind the girl. The doctor whispers in a low voice to the concerned parent: “Everything looks fine. But, she’s been through a lot of tests today. You might want to take her for ice cream after this as a reward.” The daughter jerks her head around, a huge grin on her face, “Oh, please, Mommy! I love ice cream!” The doctor, speaking now at a regular volume, reports, “As I said, I don’t think there’s any problem with her hearing, but she may not always be choosing to listen.”

Hearing is something most everyone does without even trying. It is a physiological response to sound waves moving through the air at up to 760 miles per hour. First, we receive the sound in our ears. The wave of sound causes our eardrums to vibrate, which engages our brain to begin processing. The sound is then transformed into nerve impulses so that we can perceive the sound in our brains. Our auditory cortex recognizes a sound has been heard and begins to process the sound by matching it to previously encountered sounds in a process known as auditory association.[1] Hearing has kept our species alive for centuries. When you are asleep but wake in a panic having heard a noise downstairs, an age-old self-preservation response is kicking in. You were asleep. You weren’t listening for the noise—unless perhaps you are a parent of a teenager out past curfew—but you hear it. Hearing is unintentional, whereas listening (by contrast) requires you to pay conscious attention. Our bodies hear, but we need to employ intentional effort to actually listen.

Diagram of the hearing process. 1, Sounds enter the ear. 2, tiny middle ear bones amplify sound. 3, cochlea sorts sounds by frequency. 4, Nerve passes signal from cochlea to brain stem. 5, Signal travels through brain getting decoded along the way. 6, Auditory cortex recognizes, processes sound.

“Hearing Mechanics” by Zina Deretsky. Public domain.

We regularly engage in several different types of listening. When we are tuning our attention to a song we like, or a poetry reading, or actors in a play, or sitcom antics on television, we are listening for pleasure, also known as appreciative listening. When we are listening to a friend or family member, building our relationship with another through offering support and showing empathy for her feelings in the situation she is discussing, we are engaged in relational listening. Therapists, counselors, and conflict mediators are trained in another level known as empathetic or therapeutic listening. When we are at a political event, attending a debate, or enduring a salesperson touting the benefits of various brands of a product, we engage in critical listening. This requires us to be attentive to key points that influence or confirm our judgments. When we are focused on gaining information whether from a teacher in a classroom setting, or a pastor at church, we are engaging in informational listening.[2]

Yet, despite all these variations, Nichols called listening a “lost art.”[3] The ease of sitting passively without really listening is well known to anyone who has sat in a boring class with a professor droning on about the Napoleonic wars or proper pain medication regimens for patients allergic to painkillers. You hear the words the professor is saying, while you check Facebook on your phone under the desk. Yet, when the exam question features an analysis of Napoleon’s downfall or a screaming patient fatally allergic to codeine you realize you didn’t actually listen. Trying to recall what you heard is a challenge, because without your attention and intention to remember, the information is lost in the caverns of your cranium.

Listening is one of the first skills infants gain, using it to acquire language and learn to communicate with their parents. Bommelje suggests listening is the activity we do most in life, second only to breathing.[4] Nevertheless, the skill is seldom taught.


1. Brownell, J. (1996). Listening: Attitudes, principles, and skills. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.

2. Ireland, J. (2011, May 4). The kinds of listening skills. Livestrong.com. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/82419-kinds-listening-skills/

3. Nichols, R. G. (1957). Listening is a 10 part skill. Chicago, IL: Enterprise Publications. Retrieved from http://d1025403.site.myhosting.com/files.listen.org/Nichol sTenPartSkill/Mr39Enf4.html  

4. Bommelje, R. (2011). LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN. In The top 10 ways to strengthen your selfleadership. International Listening Leadership Institute. Retrieved from http://www.listeningleaders.com/Articles.html



· Chapter 4 Hearing Versus Listening. Authored by: Jenn Q. Goddu, M.A.. Provided by: Queens University of Charlotte, Charlotte, NC. Located at: http://publicspeakingproject.org/psvirtualtext.html. Project: The Public Speaking Project. License: CC BY-NC-ND: Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives

· Doctor Aunt. Authored by: Eden, Janine and Jim. Located at: https://flic.kr/p/5M3xBP. License: CC BY: Attribution


· Image of hearing mechanics. Authored by: Zina Deretsky. Provided by: National Science Foundation. Located at: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hearing_mechanics.jpg. License: Public Domain: No Known Copyright



Appropriate and Inappropriate Self-Disclosure

1. Use the definition of self-disclosure in the textbook’s Chapter 3 to identify the times during this conversation when Ramon disclosed personal information to his boss Julie.

2. Which of the disclosures were appropriate?

3. What effect does Ramon’s nonverbal behavior have on Julie’s reaction to his disclosures?

4. How would you apply the Guidelines for Self-Disclosure to Ramon’s situation in this scenario?



Depth and Breadth of Relationships

Use the questions below as a guide to write a short paragraph about one of your relationships.

1.  How deep or shallow is your relationship with this person?

2.  Does the depth vary from one area (breadth) to another? In what way?

3.  Are you satisfied with the depth and breadth of this relationship? Why or why not?

4.  If you are not satisfied, what could you do to change the relationship? What would you predict the results would be?

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